I have been sitting with some information I receive annually from https://www.childrensdefense.org/about-cdf/ and the conversations I have had over the years with a friend who is a juvenile judge, I will call her Judge Jill (JJ).
The Children’s Defense Organization issues a report on the state of children in America and it is a daunting one. The data can be reviewed by state at (https://www.childrensdefense.org/policy/resources/soac-2020-fact-sheets/) and I must say it breaks my heart and I am committing myself to be more of an advocate for our children.
Millions of children grow up in this country with the support of one biological parent and it is normally their mother. JJ is always on her soap box about how important biological fathers are and how society must get them engaged and active in the life of their children.
I say replace them.
She says, No.
I say, Yes.
I do not know in what universe parents need time to be parents. In what world do you make the decision to become a parent and then have to have a whole notha conversation with yourself about actually being present and parenting.
I am from the school of “people do exactly what they want to do”. Period.
Even stray cats nurse their kittens.
Biological parents are not present in the lives of their children because they have made the decision not to be and it does not serve any child well for them to hold the door of their life open for a person who does not want to be there.
That is choosing a damn crisis…let’s check the crisis box on one…two…three…!
It does not serve ANYONE well to hold a door open for a person who does not want to be there. That is some flawed thinking! Research shows absent parents come in and out, in and out of children’s life multiple times sometimes with very long stretches of absences without any regard to the emotional well being of the child. WHO DOES THAT?
A deranged lunatic who has no business being around the child.
We would never encourage a man/woman to try and love a man/woman who abuses him and leaves him without contact for days, weeks, months, years at at time. Repeatedly.
Our society only does this in the cases of parenting. The juvenile court system is preaching and teaching our children to hold the door open indefinitely with the hope that one day this person will come back and love them. That one day he/she will show up with a teddy bear and want to get to know them. Mind, you by now they are 120 years old.
1,999, 999, 999, 999, 998 fucks to that. That is some emotionally abusive shit.
Children are our most precious and valuable beings. They are societies most valuable asset. We are to empower them. Equip them. Esteem them. We are to champion for them, not against them.
We are to teach them to honor themselves and to never allow their lives to be a bus station. We are to teach them by showing them that love is accountable, engaged, present, kind. Love is selfless, never self serving and never self righteous and we must teach them to stand up for themselves…in themselves.
I live every stand I take on paper. I write what I live and I live what I write.
My children’s fathers have been hit or miss. Mostly miss and I closed the door. Parenting is not a hit or miss job. It is one we are either committed to or not. One we are going to do and do right or not.
My daughters biological has been a missing mess for 12 years of her life. Three years ago, we closed the door. She replaced him with a beautiful loving man who shows up for her. She is loved. She is validated. She is honored. I would have replaced him sooner but I felt that circumstances warranted holding the door for a time. A time is not forever. Timed sessions end.
My babygirl literally said “Mommy, I am done with him. Let’s change my name. #Next”
Our job is to get what we need and to get it from who we need it from and we need it from the people that come into our lives who want to stay, who want to give it and who we want to receive it from.
Present loving parents must do that. We have to preserve our children’s emotional well being and mental state. We cannot allow a crackhead dad to lie, steal and wound our children (figurative crackheads and literal crackheads). Options #1 Get clean, sober, become productive, present and accountable or disappear forever and be replaced. Option #2. Reread #1.
Judge Jill shakes her head and declares “not everyone can do it like that Dana” and I shake my head back “sure they can. They just need to stop listening to ya’lls (the robe and suit people) brand of bullshit because that ain’t working”.
Read the report and look into these wounded kids eyes. That shit ain’t working.