It has always saddened me to see women fighting over men. Lord, knows over the years I have had my altercations but proudly I say, I never initiated a single conversation, email or memo to another woman about “her” man.
Now, do not misunderstand me. I have responded and responded in Jerry Springer fashion. I do not pick fights but if you hit me, I will hit you back and I am the chic who is bringing a machete to the knife fight and an assault weapon to the gun battle.
I do not fight fair. Never have. That’s a different post.
Men who are disrespectful, breed disrespect.
Because he has failed to identify what is appropriate and inappropriate for his own conduct he is unable to maintain proper boundaries.
However; as an individual we must identify our boundaries and we must keep our space sacred and never allow it to be violated irregardless of what the dumb folk around us may or may not do.
I lived this out-loud when an ex associate who I was intimately involved with allowed his “to be” ex wife in a space that I had made perfectly clear she was not to be in.
Posting all over the blog I created for him as a gift so he would have a platform of expression…
Mind you, they had been together for damn year 20 years and they only thing they had been able to produce were bills, drama and eviction filings all over the damn county.
The problem was not her. She was never the problem. The problem was he had failed to communicate clearly what the boundaries were and enforce them. Why a woman would want to be at another woman’s table unwelcomed and uninvited speaks to her own level of distress but never the less, there we were.
Every day, before she brushed her teeth and wiped her little narrow ass, she was posting in my space. Sending nasty text message and finding twisted delight in pictures of my naked body. Shit, maybe she was trying to copy my poses or figure out if I had implants or something. She was desperate to discover what I was doing that she was not.
Desperate for attention that he rewarded her with and they eventually “won” each other back only to be lost again. She unsuccessfully pretended to do what I legitimately do for a while, but now I hear they back to basic.
This pot was stirred when I received a message from the wife of a friend. Now, this man and I have been friends before he knew her, before he married her, before she knew me.
I love him.
He loves me.
Her insecurity and displeasure finally surfaced after our last communication and she proceeded to send me a message of displeasure.
Now, I did not respond to her because as I stated, I love and respect him and I will let him respond to her. (See, I have learned a few things).
She is married to him and their marital relationship takes precedence over our friendship and I will allow him to determine what he thinks our rules of engagement should be in light of his wives discomfort and I will determine if the adjustments are something I want to entertain. But I am strongly feeling, probably not.
No ones marital status controls me. (Damn, I like that).
Boundaries are needed, yes. Knowing and trusting the people around us is even more important. My friends wife either doesn’t trust me or him or both and this is the message in all of this.
We cannot use our relationships with people as a weapon of control. We have to decide whether we are going to be present in whatever the mix is and make OUR decisions accordingly.
I decided with that associate/acquaintance that I was not going to be bothered with his ex wife in my personal space outside of rare family bump into’s. She had spent years being petty with his second wife and I was not continuing their foolishness, neither would I be making accommodations for his past.
There was too much bad blood between us to co-exist in a way that is possible for others. At least at that stage.
He saw it differently and as the chief woman of his life at the time, he did not support my view (you don’t have to agree to support) so the blog house she was insistent on being in, I burned it down.
What was a very successful venture with a great future, I took a match to it. Gladly. With purpose and intention and would do it the same way again. I will be respected or I won’t be present and my spoils, I am taking with me. No bitch will ever sleep in my bed.
I am just not that chic.
She can drag her own dirty mattress to the ashes if she wills…and that is exactly what she did.
Guess who determines what is disrespectful and unacceptable to me?
Guess who determines what is disrespectful and unacceptable to you?
We can’t control other people but we can control where we are and if we are going to be in a place that violates us and I have no interest in proving to my friend that she has nothing to worry about, so I think I will go.
I am going to be me 100% of the time but with all due respect, I do not have to be in this space. I will spare his wife the twirling of her precious fingers as she contemplates what to do with me, us, our friendship and I will spare him the dramatic, defensive discussions.
I will do what so many women do not know how to do…
And that is go.
I love you Thomas and I always will.