Message from Mom: NO means NO

Dear Son,

I was thinking about #metoo, ambiguous language, out of control boy-men and how women are often caught in the cross fires and how very soon you will be away from home on a college campus trying to figure it out as you begin dating seriously for the first time.

I have painted the perfect situation in my head. A chocolate girl (who looks like me of course) will catch you’re eye in one of your music classes, or from the stadium as you do your thing in marching band. She is beautiful, smart, opinionated and forming her woman.

Ya’ll meet for lunch in the cafeteria and squeeze in late night walks after homework. She will drag you to movies that you do not want to see (like you’re little sister does) and somewhere along staring into her eyes, you will kiss her and want more than her eyes.

This is where my heart stops beating and I remember bathing you in the sink or teaching you not to piss all over the toilet.

Lord, help me.

I want you to know that sex for girls can be confusing sometimes. It is a lot going on in our heads that has nothing to do with men (you) and in another letter I will get into all of that, but I do not feel like it now.

It is a lot to unpack but right now, this is what I want you to know.

No means no. No means Hell no. No means stop. No means leave the scene.

Yes, girls and women sometimes say no and mean yes, say no and want yes, say no, no, no and mean, Yes, Yes, Yes (ask me how your sister got here), but I am telling you, do NOT try to figure the shit out because most of the time NO means NO!

When a woman says NO, I want you to hear, see, feel, and know NO.

So that we are crystal clear, NO is defined as:

as an act or instance of refusing or denying 

So when a woman tells you NO at that very moment she has denied you permission to go any further and she is refusing to go any further. PERIOD.

I do not care what you think her body is saying or what you think her heart is saying. The spoken word NO is the supreme authority and you are to take all body parts off of her and remove yourself from her intimate space. PERIOD.

She may be confused, unsure, conflicted or simply not ready but because she is enjoying the moment of closeness with you and the attention, she is yo-yo ing herself back and forth.

She will have to grow into her yes, and that is fine but it is NOT your job to convince her.

Don’t get mad, confrontational, silly and simple. Just tell her that if you are still willing whenever she is ready, to let you know and you will be there. I say get a text message or a memo in writing. Make sure she is clear and you are clear.

You do not want coercised, drunk, not sure, maybe, pressured pussy (sorry son, do not die on me here, gotta say it the way I need to say it).

You want a woman to be completely aware, willing and excited to be with you. You are on every woman is the worlds, WANT LIST. Yes, son, you are.

You are tall, dark, handsome (that’s the list) and you are kind, smart, thoughtful and highly intelligent. AND you play like 100 instuments, you do not have to get pressure pussy.

You are not that dude.

When a woman is ready, there will not be any questions or hesitations. She will gladly give herself to you and make sure you honor that. Honor the time a woman spends with you whether it is an hour or a lifetime. Be the man she remembers with fondness…not with pain and misery.

And do not ever forget to put on a condom. I am to young, cute and sexy to be a grandmother.

Better yet, you can get a vasectomy and reverse it whenever you think you are ready for children. Yeah, lets really talk about that. Dinner conversation maybe?

I love you baby. No matter how big and grown you get, you will always be my baby. My first born and you will never be out here alone. Never.


-Penning my Parenting

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