Going through “something” or what I call “cycling threw life’s wash” is interesting because the cycle brings out and up all kinds of emotions, feelings, thoughts, actions. As I write a new script, I have had to dig threw a box that I have stored for my daughter. In this box, are letters from her her sperm donor.
Letters, emails, notes and tokens of expression of his love. Or at least what he calls love. As I sat and wrote a particular section, it caused me to reflect on this woman who declares herself as the “winner” over me in his life. She started out as his mistress. Then became his girlfriend. Then his wife. Then his best friend. Then his ex-wife. Then his best friend and now, his wife again.
Got all that?
Declaring herself the winner, sounds cute at first. It sounds bold. Victorious. But then when I really got to reading the letters he wrote to me, the letters he wrote to her, the letters he wrote to us I could not help but feel incredible empathy and sorrow for her.
How broken and wounded does a woman have to be to watch her husband fall madly in love with a woman who has his baby and his heart….and still stay there. A relationship he relished in boasting; making very public declarations about?
How misguided and misdirected does she have to be to watch him fall in love with the SAME woman again…ten years later and actually sit by and watch him declare how they must divorce because this other woman completes him in a way that no one ever has.
How broken is she emotionally to SIT and read a letter he gave her over a glass of wine on a cold January evening 2017 after she came home from work. Timing it perfectly as to not disrupt her work week or the major test she was preparing to take. He needed her to do well and earn more money because a child support calculation was coming.
He sat and told her that she was not who and what he needed. After she ate that humble pie, then she was coerced into some type of “friendship” with this man that would keep her entangled in his web and on his merry go round of lies and deception.
A friendship with him that was designed to keep him in the intimate places of her heart and life which would prevent her from really moving on as he dug his claws deeper into her flesh with “Our son needs his father”.
Well….my son is doing better than both of his sons on their best day and I did this without any help but with a clear head, direction and a plan.
She was showing so much promise. Getting promoted, then a new job, renting a new house and completing her studies. Finding herself and finding her way without the emotional abuse of a man who had cheated on her too many times to count and in love with a woman she could never really emulate.
Yoga, working out, writing a blog, helping him do a blog, trying to market, trying her little heart out. Pole dancing, cooking and trying to water the plants. Peeking in on my every social media move…emulating. I post a travel pic, she post a travel pic. I am a feminist, she a feminist. I AM sunshine. She dying to be called Sunshine. Settling on this position, “everything you give her and promised her, I want”.
I do not want what another woman has. I want what is divinely for me from who is divinely for me. And today, I can say with a gracious heart I have exactly that. My promises are mine. My house is mine. My real estate is mine. My vehicles are mine. My businesses are mine. I do not compete with other women and the special place that belongs to me in my mans heart, belongs to me. No room for any other. Past. Present. Future.
NOT today. NOT ever.
I use to be angry at her because I knew she deliberately stayed in the way and she deliberately complicated our relationship when she could. But I had an epiphany, which was “how low does a woman have to be in her soul to think that a lying, cheating, hurtful man is the best she can do? A man who tells you that he does not want you, divorces you only to circle back to you when he could not get his shit together with who he really wanted?
My, God. The girl was free. Free to move on and create a beautiful life with a beautiful man who would love her truly for once the way God intended. Without red notices on the door every year and cars beeping for repossession warnings because the note is past due….again. Without having to rob Peter to pay Paul and lying and dodging the IRS and the Student Loan Servicing Center. Without being shit on only to find some pleasure that he then wipes the shit off!
How about actually being able to walk away from a failed marriage with some money other than what you saved? He is now holding on to her for dear life because he knows he is a hasbeen…and is praying to his gods, and chanting in the closet that she stays to focused on having something that I once wanted, to see it.
As long as he can keep her focused on the fact that I ONCE wanted him and she NOW has him, he will continue to keep her tied to him.
During their period of separation did she not receive any genuine attention or prospects who were more promising? How can you see when you have someone standing in your face blocking your view and following you around like a lost puppy. I know him. I know his strategy.
I revisited the relationship for very different reasons. The chief one being my daughter and the desire she had of getting to know the man who fathered her. In 7 years, she had only seen him a few times. I was not going to deny her the opportunity to see him in her own eyes, her own lens so I opened up the door and let him come in.
However, the moment he disrespected me in a way I had asked him not to, we were done. As much as it hurt at that time, We Were Done and my daughter was in full support. What she had seen she did not like. What she knew made her very sad.
She loves her father but she does not like him very much. They can revisit that whenever she desires.
Now, I cannot imagine how empty this woman has to be in the inside of her being. I was not a teen mother without a relationship with my father or a father figure so I do not know that pain. I wasn’t a girl that a man had to build up and shape or mold so she thinks she needs a man in a way and on a level that I just do not even understand. Her view of love is a little twisted. I get that. She never had anyone to show her any real affection or attention. She was starving to death by the time this fool came along. Her threw a bone, she saw prime rib, lobster, scallops and key lime pie.
But my God, she is not that broken little girl anymore or is she?
She is a woman I guess as it relates to somethings but very much a little girl in other ways.
She claims somethings are worth fighting for. He said she watches too much Empire. If Cookie and Luscious Lyon are your relationship role models, how low is the standard of bliss. How can you stomach a man who despises your off spring. So much so not to even mention them as he public ally thanked his “children” in a book he so desperately needed my direction and guidance to write.
I feel good about that tho. I was able to lay the framework for a vision he could see. That is amazing to have the ability to create personal clarity for people. I hope he still looks at the vision board he took a picture in my office.I have achieved everything that was on it. He was desperate for direction. When we engaged, he was always looking at me like a man dying of thirst staring at water (Greenleaf). Just thirsty. Dry. Empty.
It was my pleasure to the reservoir from which he drank.
A double minded man is unstable is all of his ways, declares the Lord. Probably why he is always in and out of beds, in and out of conflict, moving every year and in a different car every time you turn around.
This is a definition of a prize. This is the definition of her prize. My God, my God. This is the first time I have ever felt this kind of sadness for this girl. They call it “love” but it really is fear and pride.
She doesn’t want to have to admit to herself that he is a bum and she has wasted 20 years of her life trying to be what he wanted her to be. She is a cute girl. She could be married to a man with honor…but I guess what they say is true. Who we settle with says more about who we are than who they are. This pipe dream he is selling her on will not come to pass. It will collapse just like all the others…
Being facetious, I always thank her for winning. I am glad he is not apart of my life anymore, but I really am kinda sad that she thinks she won something. Maybe Jesus is working on my heart, I do not know but I do know, no woman on the face of the earth deserves that…
-All About Auspicious Living