The OWN network just recently released a new series, LOVE IS and it is an honest and thought provoking emotional roller coaster ride (http://www.oprah.com/own-love-is/introducing-love-is)
As I am catching up on the series while traveling, I am reflecting on ALL of my loves and settling in my lessons.
Sanctity is defined as the quality or state of being holy or sacred.
Holy is defined as exalted or worthy of complete devotion as one perfect in goodness and righteousness.
Sacred is defined as highly valued and important.
Now relationship sanctity is a relationship that is highly valued, one in which there is complete devotion and protected as sacred space.
As I was contemplating the end of a relationship, the violations of sanctity were to egregious to ignore. The things I knew about the woman who was transitioning into being the ex were embarrassing.
I knew about her trip to the emergency room after some deep penetrating sex on New Years Eve. I knew about her struggles as a twice teenage mother struggling to keep the lights on. I knew about her oldest daughters struggles with fraud and prostitution and the grandchild who is missing from her life in a meaningful way. I knew about utilities being disconnected because she was too distracted to pay the bills and his car being repossessed. I knew about her abandonment as a child, a father who was not there. I knew about her sister and her issues with her man. I knew about her Mama and her deprived upbringing.
I knew about his desperate plan to keep her from pursuing a better life in California and about her toys under their bed. I knew about her deep seeded insecurities when it came to me and how he was encouraging her to do everything I was doing or done. Buy a house. Start yoga. Create a blog. Try this. Do that.
He touted “he had raised her”.
Hence, most of our issues.
We clashed. And clashed a lot because I am fully formed and fully grown, with assets and raising extraordinary children and he had been improperly trained. He does not know how to respect boundaries. She had taught him over a span of 17 years that it was perfectly acceptable to over step every boundary she had and to disrespect her in unfathomable ways.
“If you spend the night I am leaving. If you go out of town I am leaving. If you have that party, I am leaving. If you do this and that. I am leaving. If she has that baby, I am leaving you”.
She never went anywhere and he kept doing exactly what he wanted to do. In plain sight and in costume.
He divorced her to be with me.
His improper governance of himself would never work for me.
I was not in need of a rescue and I did not need anything from him.
I own everything that you see and I do mean everything.
I needed an equitable love partner. Someone to build EVERYTHING with.
So as we were moving forward, he was failing every test. She was being told intimate things about me. She was seeing intimate exchanges between us. He was lecturing her about everything I did RIGHT in our relationship and she was taking copious notes.
The problem was not her.
The problem was him. I was in a relationship with a messy ass man who was his own brand of drama king. He did not know when to close his mouth, zip his pants and keep closed doors closed.
So when she landed in a place I told him she was never to be in and he had given her permission to be there, I set the thing on fire. They were free to reconnect, rebuild and revisit stupid and their unique brand of battle toxic love, but I was not ever going to be in a relationship again where someone did something I had asked them not to do.
Not today. Not tomorrow. Not E.V.E.R.
I am not the chic that smile and grins and bears it.
I am the chic that goes in with a bat and if we can put the pieces back together in a healthy way, cool.
If not, we all know.
As painful as the separation was, it had to occur.
Being in a relationship with someone who does not safeguard your being and your secrets leaves you exposed and open for attack and a numbness there isn’t a salve for.
How in the world was I to trust a man wholeheartedly in the bed or anywhere else for that matter, that shared with me how he was so rough with sex with his wife that she landed in ER? And that she never really recovered…unless she was fearful that someone else was playing with his toy?
How was I to trust rearing my children with a man who had spoken so negatively about his step children and how they were baggage in the relationship? A man who had trashed the reputation of every woman I ever heard him talk about.
Or how could I settle in our skin knowing that he was somewhere he claimed he did not want to be for almost 20 years so he could hold the threads of a family unit together that was always in distress?
Did he really think he would be left unsupervised with my kids? To fill them with venom about the woman who is solely responsible for them being who they are?
HELL TO THE NO!
My subconscious mind was directing my physical self to do everything that was necessary to bring the relationship to an end….even though my conscious mind was unaware of what was happening. Who ended it was of of no relevance, it just needed to end.
My life prayer has always been I only want the absolute best for me. I only want what God wants for me and to remove any and everything that is not BEST.
God always answers.
LOVE IS, shows us a man who was stuck in between two women, his past and his future and how he lands in the lap of the woman who saved his life and he had enough sense to govern himself accordingly.
God answers always. Now, whether we get the message and follow divine direction is completely up to us.
-Dana Lena' All About Auspicious Living